Little things....

Here is just a simple little list of some of the little things that get me through the day, help me to believe in myself and give that little bit of extra motivation to get stuff done!

• My Lotus and Bamboo shower gel that I only get to use after I have gone to the gym
• The realisation that I have gone from being daughter to being friend and daughter with my parents
• My extra large double shot coffee that I only get when I get home from work at 8am
• Not having brothers, sisters and the "in-laws", but having true brothers in sisters regardless of blood relation
• Catching my husband on that rare occasion where he looks at me like I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen
• Watching my husband really enjoy a meal that I made from nothing when I wasn't really in the mood to cook
• Knowing that I get to see my family at Christmas
• The look of utter confidence when my nephew asked my to fix his totally destroyed shoelace
• The knowledge that I have reached a place of equilibrium and friendship with my siblings
• The little joke my father and I shared just before he walked me down the aisle
• My weekly pig out at either Fasta Pasta or Cactus Jacks with the guys from church
• Being able to call my sisters (not that I do that enough) whenever I want and knowing that we could end up having a 2 hour conversation about nothing!
• My Monday morning sleep in
• The smell of my husbands shirts as I am hanging them out on the clothes line
• My eyebrow pencil, eyeliner and mascara
• My beautiful oven for those days when I am in the mood for baking
• The scent of my husbands deodorant lingering in the house after he has left work work
• Memories of sharing jokes and giggling for hours with my mum

I have the feeling I will keep coming back to this one and adding to it.

Remember: Life is full of the blessings of God, sometimes we just need to stop grumbling about the things that we don't have long enough to see them!!

What has become of the world.....?

So I have recently been spending too much of my time trawling the internet for sites on which to waste my time, in my search I have found a few that tickle the funny bone and keep me amused and even informed for quite some time. However I have also come across the 2 most depressing sites I have ever seen. If you are familiar with the new craze of creating "Twitter-like" sites where the average everyday person comments on things they have seen or heard throughout the day and this is then posted for all the world to see, then you may have already discovered them, so without further ado I shall begin my cyber-social commentary.

The 2 sites I am referring to are http://lovegivesmehope.com/and http://sixbillionsecrets.com/

Both sites, I believe were created with all the best intents and purposes, but to me they show everything that is totally wrong in society.

Love Gives Me Hope is a place where people comment on things that have happened to them or things that they have seen that is a display of love and thus gives them hope, pretty self explanatory. Some posts are actually quite sweet, with beautiful stories of old couple, people loving despite judgement, romantic proposals and high school sweethearts getting married. Those I love reading, however there is a different kind of post, one that seems to be taking over the site and they disturb me just a little bit. Here is an example:

I have really low self esteem, and have struggled with depression for 3 years. When I told my boyfriend about my issues, he told me that he would remind me that I'm beautiful everyday. It's been 6 months, and he has stuck to that promise.

Ok so the post itself isn't that bad on its own, but its not the only one there, there are countless posts about girls feeling the need for their boyfriends or best friends telling them that they are beautiful and that they love them. My problem isn't with the boyfriends and best friends saying things like "You're beautiful" and "I love you" everyday, that's fantastic, more people should make a conscious effort to remind others of their love. My concern is that these girls often NEED this reminder EVERYDAY in order to find a sense of worth in their life, without this constant reminder they have nothing, their self esteem is deflated, they find themselves unattractive and unlovable, and what is this opinion of themselves based on?? On their charms, on their intelligence, on their wit and sense of humour?? NO to them their self worth is based entirely on whether they are pretty or beautiful, based entirely on their outward appearance!

This view is even further expressed on the Six Billion Secrets (SBS... (: ...) site. On this site people spill secrets that they aren't brave enough to tell to those closest to them or that they feel are too horrible and therefore no one else should bear the weight of them. It is seriously depressing stuff, there are so many horrible stories of people who have been mistreated, rejected and hurt in so many awful ways. Then there are the shocking amount of people who have secretly been battling with depression who have tried or want to try to commit suicide. It scares me that there are so many people who need help and love, but do not feel that they are able to ask for it. Then there are the cries for help that could so easily be prevented, cries of help that could possibly be coming from the same girls such as the one in the post above. For example:

I cut and dyed my hair.

I worked out every day for 2 months. I waxed my eye brows. I got a push up bra. I got new make up. I look so much better than I used to.

But I'm still not good enough for you to look twice at.

You're killing me without even knowing it

It saddens me every time I read this, she talks about not being good enough for someone, talks about changing her physical appearance in order to become good enough. I wish I could tell her that if a person will only deem them to be 'good enough' after they don't even look like themselves any more then that person is not good enough for her to waste her time on!! When did our value become so intrinsically linked with how we look that girls are literally killing themselves to try and find that value in some else's shallow opinion. Another girl on SBS states it so clearly:

I'm beautiful and popular?

4 years of eating disorders.

Hundreds of dollars on hair dye.

Thousands of dollars on brand name clothes.

Many nights drunk and high.

Around 23 sexual partners.

All before I turned 17.

Why is that what is beautiful and popular in today's society?

I know that this is not a new issue but I believe that it is getting worse, children as young as 8 and 10 feel like the NEED to wear make up, padded bras and flesh baring clothing in order to find love and acceptance!! Where are the parents and the teachers? Where is the voice of reason in the madness, why is no one telling these poor broken girls that our appearance means nothing, that beauty will fade and go away!?

Now I can't say that I am immune to this culture either, there is hardly a day that I leave the house without quickly applying some make-up and coordinating an outfit, I also love the feeling of being told that I am beautiful, but I had a family and parents who loved me enough to not feed that, they loved me enough to teach me the the outside appearance, the make-up the clothes, they mean nothing. They never gave up on teaching me how to be a person with qualities that matter, how to not be selfish, how to be kind, how to love others genuinely, how to be compassionate and generous. They aren't finished yet, they are still teaching me everyday through being these people themselves.

Most importantly though, they taught me to never rely on the opinions of others to find my self worth. They taught me about the never ending and unconditional love of God. They taught me that I am His child and His creation, the He shaped me and formed me to be the person I am today and that when I question and whine and moan about how I look (or even how others look for that matter), that I am questioning, tearing down and criticizing the work of the Almighty Father!

I so want these girls to know that, I want them to know that above all, God formed them and God loves them and His opinion and the value that He has placed on your life is the ONLY thing that matters!!

So if you have ever been tempted to find your value in what society deems to be 'good enough' just remember that there is a God and creator who lovingly formed you to be exactly how you are today and that His love will sustain you through anything and that God doesn't EVER make mistakes!

Something that has been on my mind...

OK so I KNOW I talk about my marriage and Phil a LOT, but seriously this is something I've been wanting to talk about for a while now, I just keep forgetting to actually write it down. Now I also need to figure out where to start.....

My wedding day, like weddings are meant to be, was a fun and happy occasion.... I think.... you see, its still a blur for me! Everything went so fast! One minute I'm standing the hotel room with my dress, veil and flowers, getting nervous about falling in my incredibly high (but beautiful) heels. Next thing we're walking out of the reception centre towards the car and I'm getting nervous for a whole other reason!!

However there is one thing that I do remember, this one thought that kept coming back to me again and again, "I should be feeling happier than this right? Shouldn't I be walking on a cloud? Shouldn't every detail be jumping out at me, all the colours brighter and all the sounds sweeter?" For a good part of the day I thought that there may be something wrong with me! Don't get be wrong I was happy, I was incredibly happy, the man of my dreams, the kind of man that I only ever dreamed I may meet one day only to find that he was already married, actually existed and was now my husband!! That was incredible!!! My whole family was together again (including my grandma!) for the first time in years! I was suddenly part of another really really big family full of wonderful people that you can't help but just love instantly. It was a happy day!

However I kept thinking of all the photos that I had seen in the magazines where all the brides were practically glowing, their smiles were radiant, it was clearly the happiest day for them, ever! I kept pushing these thoughts aside however, I didn't want to dwell on them and eventually ruin my own wedding day for myself (something only I could do!) I was determined to enjoy my wedding day and to be honest, I couldn't help it, it was my wedding day for crying out loud, it was GOOD day!

Now that I have had some time to think about it, forget about it, then think about it again I realise that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me on the day! I realised that first of all, everything went to so fast I didn't have TIME to fully enjoy everything and thus didn't have time to get deliriously happy! But second, and most important, of all I realised that I didn't HAVE to be that happy on my wedding day, I didn't NEED to be that happy on my wedding day and that is a good thing!

Why?? Because it means that I didn't base my happiness on this one day! I had already found happiness, no I had found JOY! and I had found my joy years before I had even met my husband and my joy came from a place more stable, more solid and more real than my husband or even my family. Without this previously found joy, yes I my possibly have placed all my hopes for happiness on this one day, but it would never have lasted. My joy, will last forever because it is a joy founded in knowing and loving and being loved by and everlasting God and Saviour!

You see a good 1o years ago I was (again) told about God and how He had sacrificed His Son, Jesus Christ, so that I may be forgiven of my sins and so that I can have a relationship with Him! (I say again because my father is a minister and I grew up in the church, but with most people, it always takes someone else to tell you before you sit up and listen) I don't know about you but knowing that the Almighty God, Creator and Ruler of all the universe loves and cares for me, and went through so much just to be with me fills me with a joy that nothing else can match or replace! Not only this, but my husband and most of our families shares this same joy!

So on our wedding day (even though I didn't know it until recently), we didn't focus on the 'happy' on the 'good feelings' but rather on this joy and on knowing that God brought us together, knowing that we had these dreams of the "perfect man" or the "perfect woman" for all those years because God had made us to be together and made us to love and need those qualities in another person. It wasn't the happiest day of my life because happiness is a passing thing, its something that happens in the moment, it is something that is based on the emotions and feelings at that time. The joy, however, is something that we can share in everyday, its not an emotion or feeling that we need to conjure up or 're-live' to bring a spark back to us of why we got married in the first place, this joy is something that is within us, it is something we share, even if not consciously, it is the thing that will keep us going and keep us together for a lot longer than 'happy' ever will.

There are other things that I believe also prevented me from going to the level of insanely happy, such as knowing that this was just one day! Yes a lot of planning went into the day, yes it was a momentous day, yes it was a life changing day, but it was still just one day in what will hopefully be a long life. This one day was only the BEGINNING! There will be other happy days, like when our children are born and when they go off to school and when they eventually leave home, and hopefully when they themselves get married and have children, there are many more happy days ahead of me and I can't allow myself to measure and compare those days and those feelings to what I felt on my wedding day, as I'm pretty sure as each and every one of those days come along I will be tempted to say "now, THAT was the happiest day ever" I cannot limit myself like that (and I change my mind enough as it is, I don't need another excuse!). And finally I knew that this wedding, this day, is nothing when compared to the marriage! This day was nothing compared to a lifetime of shared joy and meaning!

So now when I look back over my wedding photos (and slowly start remembering little details) I no longer wonder if there was something wrong with what I was feeling because I know now that basing my happiness on one day is wrong and will only lead to disappointment in the future, but basing my joy in the Heavenly Father and the love that He has shown us and being able to openly share that belief and that joy with those I love the most, THAT is right and good and will last me forever!

Photography by David Ferguson Photography Brisbane (this guy is awesome!!)

Things about me....

As most of you already know, I am a strange creature. I sometimes feel like I am a walking oxymoron... and some days I feel more like the moron than the oxy but that's for another blog. Here is a bit of a clarification of what I mean when I say that I am strange....

So its Saturday, I had plans, I was meant to be working, keeping customers happy by delivering their wonderful Mary Kay products to them. There was a stuff up somewhere with the company that gets the products from the dispatch warehouse to my door, cos after spending all day sitting next to the front door, nothing has arrived. I was looking forward to having a busy and productive day, cos I know that when I am busy I get a lot more done, even stuff that was never on my 'To-Do' list in the first place. However since I have had my plans ripped out from underneath me, I am instead spending the day surfing the internet, reading blogs, constantly checking my Facebook etc. I'm floating, I'm getting nothing done even though I know that there is stuff that I can do around the house.

This is the way I work:

• when I'm busy I'm really busy,
• I'm productive,
• stuff happens,
• plans are made and kept
• suddenly my sock drawer is organised cos I had a spare 5min and I can't sit still for that long on a busy day.

But when I don't have plans, or they get changed or I have a quiet day, I take it to the extremes:

• not even my breakfast bowl gets rinsed,
• suddenly making a cup of coffee seems like too much effort and I eventually give in to having instant coffee when the headaches set in, cos that's easier and uses up less of my internet surfing or movie watching time.

Funny thing is, I KNOW that if I simply get up off my backside and start doing something, like cleaning the kitchen I will suddenly find all these other things that need doing and eventually have a neat and tidy sock drawer again. But my plans have been ruined, so getting up is just a little too much effort.....

That is not the only part of my life that I contradict myself in either....

I like adventure stuff like white water rafting, rock climbing etc but I have no sense of adventure! Some examples,

• LOVE rock climbing and bush walking but went into a mental breakdown while climbing Mt Tibrogargan!
• Love the idea of fast cars and going for a ride on a real motorbike but riding a scooter around Magnetic Island was one of the most terrifying experiences I have ever had (stupid shaky wobbly things).
• Would try skydiving but wont even consider bungee jumping!

Other things:

• The idea of laying on a blanket in the middle of nowhere looking at the stars, or going for a walk on a moonlit beach seem so romantic and I have enjoyed indulging in said activities in the past, but I'm still kinda terrified of the dark and every little noise makes me jump out of my skin.
• I LOVE our backyard, it's a tropical paradise, its soothing and relaxing and full of spiders so when I am home alone I will not go further than the clothes line!
• I'm happy to jump head first into things without thinking them through but dont you dare ever try to push me into something! (seriously I mean I WILL attempt to kill you in your sleep)
• I love socialising and interacting with people but when it comes time to play board games, card games or even the odd game of soccer I prefer to sit off to the side and watch.
• I have no shame, I do stupid humiliating thing in public, but I HATE being publicly humiliated or made to feel the fool!

The lists goes on and on, I sometimes wonder how Phil is NOT in a constant state of confusion as I change my mind/opinion/feelings/mood about things so many times and often without logical thought or explanation (that always come about 3 weeks after said change of heart has happened) but he puts up with me, I think he does it by simply anticipating the change... I love how that man can put up with me.

For my part I dont think I have always been like this... I was always more likely to not do anything than get something done (the productivity is new for me) I used to have a much greater sense of adventure, didn't care quite so much about public humiliation (at least not to the point where it affected my life) and I used to find so much joy in kicking people's butts in card games etc. But it seems that I am changing or have changed, or that I am just having a little bit of conflict with myself.... I dont know exactly what happened but what I do know is this:

• I'd like to be less afraid of everything
• I want my sense of adventure back
• I want to get back into interacting instead of watching
• I'd like to be more productive and less lazy
• I'd like to be able to say that I am going to make these changes in myself and actually see them happen and
• I'd like to know if those people who thought they had me figured out are suddenly really confused!?!?!? :-)

5 Things I can't live without

So apparently I was tagged AGES ago to do this, but since I had forgotten my password I didn't know! So the idea is to list 5 things in my wardrobe that I can't live without (as if I can limit myself to 5.....)

1. Well everyone knows this about me.... SHOES!!! any kind of shoe really but my collection of high heels is amazing and am only missing 2 out of the entire colour spectrum! I love my shoes, I love how they simply complete an outfit, how they are always the perfect accessory to any outfit and (particularly high heels) I love how they make my feet and legs look!

2. Every woman needs at least 2 pairs of Lorelai jeans.... I can't leave the house without them. What do I mean by Lorelai jeans??? For those of you who have seen Gilmore Girls you will be a step ahead of everyone else. Lorelai is the main character of this particular show, and no matter what, if she is wearing jeans they look FANTASTIC on her, match hr body type and whatever clothing she may be wearing perfectly and just look so darn good and comfy and the way jeans are meant to look. I currently have 2 and am working on fitting back into my 3rd pair, every woman needs one at least!

3.Classic shirts. By this I mean your plain singlet top or polo shirt of well fitting T-shirt, something that you can wear with about 3 other things in your wardrobe, work well for layering or is simply comfortable to wear on its own. A wardrobe must have and something I'm running low on..... must go shopping....

4. A handbag that matches just about everything you own, or if it doesn't match makes a fashion statement all of its own. For me this is the Oroton handbag that Phil got me while we were on our honeymoon. It brown tones go well with most of my wardrobe, and if it doesn't match completely.... c'mon people its an Oroton bag that is the absolute prefect size!! You can't hold that against me!!

5. My diamond earrings. Phil got these for me for my birthday the first birthday we had together. They totally knocked my socks off, are big and gorgeous and REAL and I wear them EVERYWHERE!!!! They just seem to go with everything, even when I am wearing gold jewellery. And, of course, they make me look fabulously wealthy!!! lol it has actually gotten to the point where my face doesn't look right without them!

So there you have it. 5 things I can't live without. Now if I could remember how to tag people then I would tag Ansia here, but seeing as how she is the only person who actually reads my blogs, she should get the message anyway!!

No wonder......

I was looking over the shoulder of my new husband the other day as he sat and played games on Facebook. This is not an unusual occurrence for us, often times while we were dating and engaged we would often spend time together like this, socialising over the game and interrupting each others games to give advice etc.
As is always the case with Facebook, the part of the screen that wasn't involved with the game was cluttered with ads for other products and games. I noticed these at first when were engaged, on my page it was always wedding stuff and on his page there was always ads for engagements rings etc. I thought nothing of it. However since the wedding he has obviously changed his status to "Married". Now, one would think that Facebook would then change the genre of the ads to be more applicable to a married man.... well they did change the ads. Ads which made me so mad that I nearly turned the computer off.

That''s right since changing his status to married, my husband has been bombarded with game advertisements that use women in lingerie and swimwear (regardless of what the game is about), and advertisements for dating websites!!!!!! Even as I am writing this I am shaking with anger!!

What is going through the advertisers minds???? What now that he is married it is suddenly "Ok" to bombard him with sexual images and "other options"??? The advertising I can almost understand, everyone else is using sex, why shouldn't they? By why advertise a DATING site to a married man??? Why provide that temptation??? Why do they think it is ok?????
Thankfully God has blessed me with a man who, most of the time is completely clueless to advertising and didn't even notice these ads until I pointed them out to him. But I feel with a very deep pain for those women whose husbands have noticed these ads and have been tempted to either look for more sexually provocative images or to pursue the option of online dating, both options I class as cheating, no matter how you look at it. I am truly disgusted and intend to do something about it, I ask that anyone who reads this does the same and ask Facebook to remove these ads from their pages altogether!

I think about the rate of adultery and divorce and the amount of affairs that happen in our world today and think, no wonder... if its seems to be advertised as ok, then no wonder...

To add to my point, and to clarify that men are not the only ones to blame or at risk here, I will tell of something that happened just before Christmas.
Husband and I were at a work Christmas function and were standing listening to a conversation between some of his workmates. The conversation included us,a newly engaged woman, a married woman (whose husband was at home looking after their 5yr-old child) and a recently divorced woman (as a result of an affair). The conversation was regarding what people were intending on doing after the party. We were going home but the others were choosing which bar to hit. After a short discussion they made their choice, based on the fact that this particular bar always had good-looking bartenders and men as customers. I'm talking about an engaged woman and a married woman, making their choice because there were more men to go look at. Their reasoning, "We're only looking...." but what next?? What will be the next excuse?? "It was only a kiss??", "We're just calling each other late at night, my husband doesn't need to know." I was disgusted!! "Only looking" is never that! Looking leads to lusting and if you allow yourself that then you may as well have acted on it, because in you heart you already have! Only looking is dangerous and is just and unfaithful as a man "only looking" at those pictures on the Internet. If you doubt my reasoning go out and see for yourself the lust in the eyes of the women as they "look" at other men.

I will finish with the words from a VERY good song by Casting Crowns called "Slow Fade"

Be careful little eyes what you see

Its the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings

Be careful little feet where you go

For its the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

Its a slow fade, when you give youself away

Its a slow fade, when black and white has tunrned to grey

Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

Its a slow fade, its a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear

When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near

Be careful little lips what you say

For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

Its a slow fade, when you give yourself away

Its a slow fade when black and white has turned to grey

Thougths invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

Its a slow fade, its a slow fade

The journey from you mind into your hands

Is souter than your thinking

Be careful wher eyou think you stand

You just might be sinking

Its a slow fade, when you give yourself away

Its a slow fade, when black and white has turned to grey

Thoughts invade, choice are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

Daddies never crubmble in a day

Famlies never crumble in a day

Things I should've said....

Well it has certainly been a while since I last visited this site hasn't it??? So much has changed an so much has happened, however this blog has a specific purpose and I am writing it for a specific person who should've heard this a long time ago....

Just some background:
Firstly; 6 moths ago our family suffered the tragic loss of my brother-in-law Jouke, none of us have fully recovered...
Secondly; 2 weeks ago I married the man that I had been rambling about in previous blogs (more on this later)

Now that I have you somewhat filled in I can carry on....

At the reception my husband and I had decided that we would do a speech together. We had a piece of paper with a rough outline of what each of us was going to say, but as it goes, none of that really got said. For example, I forgot to thank my new family for accepting me!! However that is not the point of this blog post.

There was something that I felt I should've said in my speech, but nerves and the fear of breaking down crying held me back, but I still need to say it, I should've inserted this in the part where I was thanking my family.... more specifically when I was talking about my brothers.... You see I thanked my brother Will and my brother-in-law Brad, but when it came to mentioning Jouke, I froze, I couldn't say anything... This is what I wanted to say tho....

"When I first met Jouke, he made a big impression on me, not just because he towered over me and twice as wide across the shoulders, but because of the quiet and gentle way that he did things. Also because of how happy he made Ansia, when he was around everything that was good about Ansia shone out stronger and brighter, she was so alive around him!! I suppose you could say that at some point I had a bit of a crush on him. When he and Ansia got married I was overjoyed and he fit into our family so well, he had the right sense of humour and shared in our family values. I always said that he is very quiet, but when he has something to say you'd wanna be listening cos its either going to be really funny or really profound, meaningful and well thought through. He was a great addition to our family.
A couple of years ago I had the pleasure of living with Ansia and Jouke for about 3 months. I got to see firsthand their family routine and values. I got to see how great a father, husband, friend and brother he was. I remember on one occasion while I was there Ansia went away for a week or so. That week Jouke and I ate garlic, chili, mashed potatoes and meat till it came out of our ears. We also watched movies like Transformer (which I still haven't been able to watch again) and 300, just cos we could! I really felt then that I not only had another brother, I had a really good friend!
As another piece of background you have to also understand that Ansia and I are very similar in personality. Slowly, my time with them started teaching me some things about life, marriage and the men in my life. I watched the bond between Ansia and Jouke and longed for someone I could love that way. I started to question why all my previous relationships has gone so horribly wrong. My answer lay in the type of men I was looking for. You see, the reason Ansia and Jouke worked so well together was because their personalities complimented each other. It was then that I realised I needed to find myself another Jouke, this might sound funny but its the truth!
I needed a man with unending patience, who would listen to my multitude of complaints, who would quietly and gently put things into perspective for me, a man who could guide and lead me, someone who would never make me feel silly or stupid because I didn't understand something, someone with a ready smile who could make me laugh even when I was crying, someone who would make a great father and be a great role model, not only for his children but for everyone around him. I needed to find another Jouke!

So Ansia, I don't know if this is particularly what you wanted to hear but I thought you should know. Your husband, the one made you so happy that you glowed, the man I described above is the man that helped me to see where I was going wrong, by being to you the best husband he could be, he showed me what I needed to be looking for, the man who broke up fights between us with just one sentence.... so many things... I wanted to put all this out there so that others could know, so that we could all understand or grasp the magnitude of the love that he had for you and in return try to understand what you might be feeling or thinking, if even to the smallest degree knowing that we could ever fully comprehend it.

As I'm writing and re-reading everything I am saying and want to say sound so selfish or they sound like a cold empty cliche. I guess I just wanted to say something of how wonderful this man was, how much we are missing him and how much he impacted each and every one of us. Also, while Phil possess the qualities that I listed above I am in no way saying that he could ever be a substitute for Jouke... I hope you understand what I am trying to say in this blog as words are failing me right now... Just know that I'm sorry for not saying this sooner, I'm sorry for placing my own pain and discomfort above yours and for not being there enough for you for the past 6 to 7 months. I love you more than words can say, and am so thankful and blessed to have you as my sister.