Well it has certainly been a while since I last visited this site hasn't it??? So much has changed an so much has happened, however this blog has a specific purpose and I am writing it for a specific person who should've heard this a long time ago....
Just some background:
Firstly; 6 moths ago our family suffered the tragic loss of my brother-in-law Jouke, none of us have fully recovered...
Secondly; 2 weeks ago I married the man that I had been rambling about in previous blogs (more on this later)
Now that I have you somewhat filled in I can carry on....
At the reception my husband and I had decided that we would do a speech together. We had a piece of paper with a rough outline of what each of us was going to say, but as it goes, none of that really got said. For example, I forgot to thank my new family for accepting me!! However that is not the point of this blog post.
There was something that I felt I should've said in my speech, but nerves and the fear of breaking down crying held me back, but I still need to say it, I should've inserted this in the part where I was thanking my family.... more specifically when I was talking about my brothers.... You see I thanked my brother Will and my brother-in-law Brad, but when it came to mentioning Jouke, I froze, I couldn't say anything... This is what I wanted to say tho....
"When I first met Jouke, he made a big impression on me, not just because he towered over me and twice as wide across the shoulders, but because of the quiet and gentle way that he did things. Also because of how happy he made Ansia, when he was around everything that was good about Ansia shone out stronger and brighter, she was so alive around him!! I suppose you could say that at some point I had a bit of a crush on him. When he and Ansia got married I was overjoyed and he fit into our family so well, he had the right sense of humour and shared in our family values. I always said that he is very quiet, but when he has something to say you'd wanna be listening cos its either going to be really funny or really profound, meaningful and well thought through. He was a great addition to our family.
A couple of years ago I had the pleasure of living with Ansia and Jouke for about 3 months. I got to see firsthand their family routine and values. I got to see how great a father, husband, friend and brother he was. I remember on one occasion while I was there Ansia went away for a week or so. That week Jouke and I ate garlic, chili, mashed potatoes and meat till it came out of our ears. We also watched movies like Transformer (which I still haven't been able to watch again) and 300, just cos we could! I really felt then that I not only had another brother, I had a really good friend!
As another piece of background you have to also understand that Ansia and I are very similar in personality. Slowly, my time with them started teaching me some things about life, marriage and the men in my life. I watched the bond between Ansia and Jouke and longed for someone I could love that way. I started to question why all my previous relationships has gone so horribly wrong. My answer lay in the type of men I was looking for. You see, the reason Ansia and Jouke worked so well together was because their personalities complimented each other. It was then that I realised I needed to find myself another Jouke, this might sound funny but its the truth!
I needed a man with unending patience, who would listen to my multitude of complaints, who would quietly and gently put things into perspective for me, a man who could guide and lead me, someone who would never make me feel silly or stupid because I didn't understand something, someone with a ready smile who could make me laugh even when I was crying, someone who would make a great father and be a great role model, not only for his children but for everyone around him. I needed to find another Jouke!
So Ansia, I don't know if this is particularly what you wanted to hear but I thought you should know. Your husband, the one made you so happy that you glowed, the man I described above is the man that helped me to see where I was going wrong, by being to you the best husband he could be, he showed me what I needed to be looking for, the man who broke up fights between us with just one sentence.... so many things... I wanted to put all this out there so that others could know, so that we could all understand or grasp the magnitude of the love that he had for you and in return try to understand what you might be feeling or thinking, if even to the smallest degree knowing that we could ever fully comprehend it.
As I'm writing and re-reading everything I am saying and want to say sound so selfish or they sound like a cold empty cliche. I guess I just wanted to say something of how wonderful this man was, how much we are missing him and how much he impacted each and every one of us. Also, while Phil possess the qualities that I listed above I am in no way saying that he could ever be a substitute for Jouke... I hope you understand what I am trying to say in this blog as words are failing me right now... Just know that I'm sorry for not saying this sooner, I'm sorry for placing my own pain and discomfort above yours and for not being there enough for you for the past 6 to 7 months. I love you more than words can say, and am so thankful and blessed to have you as my sister.
