Something that has been on my mind...

OK so I KNOW I talk about my marriage and Phil a LOT, but seriously this is something I've been wanting to talk about for a while now, I just keep forgetting to actually write it down. Now I also need to figure out where to start.....

My wedding day, like weddings are meant to be, was a fun and happy occasion.... I think.... you see, its still a blur for me! Everything went so fast! One minute I'm standing the hotel room with my dress, veil and flowers, getting nervous about falling in my incredibly high (but beautiful) heels. Next thing we're walking out of the reception centre towards the car and I'm getting nervous for a whole other reason!!

However there is one thing that I do remember, this one thought that kept coming back to me again and again, "I should be feeling happier than this right? Shouldn't I be walking on a cloud? Shouldn't every detail be jumping out at me, all the colours brighter and all the sounds sweeter?" For a good part of the day I thought that there may be something wrong with me! Don't get be wrong I was happy, I was incredibly happy, the man of my dreams, the kind of man that I only ever dreamed I may meet one day only to find that he was already married, actually existed and was now my husband!! That was incredible!!! My whole family was together again (including my grandma!) for the first time in years! I was suddenly part of another really really big family full of wonderful people that you can't help but just love instantly. It was a happy day!

However I kept thinking of all the photos that I had seen in the magazines where all the brides were practically glowing, their smiles were radiant, it was clearly the happiest day for them, ever! I kept pushing these thoughts aside however, I didn't want to dwell on them and eventually ruin my own wedding day for myself (something only I could do!) I was determined to enjoy my wedding day and to be honest, I couldn't help it, it was my wedding day for crying out loud, it was GOOD day!

Now that I have had some time to think about it, forget about it, then think about it again I realise that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me on the day! I realised that first of all, everything went to so fast I didn't have TIME to fully enjoy everything and thus didn't have time to get deliriously happy! But second, and most important, of all I realised that I didn't HAVE to be that happy on my wedding day, I didn't NEED to be that happy on my wedding day and that is a good thing!

Why?? Because it means that I didn't base my happiness on this one day! I had already found happiness, no I had found JOY! and I had found my joy years before I had even met my husband and my joy came from a place more stable, more solid and more real than my husband or even my family. Without this previously found joy, yes I my possibly have placed all my hopes for happiness on this one day, but it would never have lasted. My joy, will last forever because it is a joy founded in knowing and loving and being loved by and everlasting God and Saviour!

You see a good 1o years ago I was (again) told about God and how He had sacrificed His Son, Jesus Christ, so that I may be forgiven of my sins and so that I can have a relationship with Him! (I say again because my father is a minister and I grew up in the church, but with most people, it always takes someone else to tell you before you sit up and listen) I don't know about you but knowing that the Almighty God, Creator and Ruler of all the universe loves and cares for me, and went through so much just to be with me fills me with a joy that nothing else can match or replace! Not only this, but my husband and most of our families shares this same joy!

So on our wedding day (even though I didn't know it until recently), we didn't focus on the 'happy' on the 'good feelings' but rather on this joy and on knowing that God brought us together, knowing that we had these dreams of the "perfect man" or the "perfect woman" for all those years because God had made us to be together and made us to love and need those qualities in another person. It wasn't the happiest day of my life because happiness is a passing thing, its something that happens in the moment, it is something that is based on the emotions and feelings at that time. The joy, however, is something that we can share in everyday, its not an emotion or feeling that we need to conjure up or 're-live' to bring a spark back to us of why we got married in the first place, this joy is something that is within us, it is something we share, even if not consciously, it is the thing that will keep us going and keep us together for a lot longer than 'happy' ever will.

There are other things that I believe also prevented me from going to the level of insanely happy, such as knowing that this was just one day! Yes a lot of planning went into the day, yes it was a momentous day, yes it was a life changing day, but it was still just one day in what will hopefully be a long life. This one day was only the BEGINNING! There will be other happy days, like when our children are born and when they go off to school and when they eventually leave home, and hopefully when they themselves get married and have children, there are many more happy days ahead of me and I can't allow myself to measure and compare those days and those feelings to what I felt on my wedding day, as I'm pretty sure as each and every one of those days come along I will be tempted to say "now, THAT was the happiest day ever" I cannot limit myself like that (and I change my mind enough as it is, I don't need another excuse!). And finally I knew that this wedding, this day, is nothing when compared to the marriage! This day was nothing compared to a lifetime of shared joy and meaning!

So now when I look back over my wedding photos (and slowly start remembering little details) I no longer wonder if there was something wrong with what I was feeling because I know now that basing my happiness on one day is wrong and will only lead to disappointment in the future, but basing my joy in the Heavenly Father and the love that He has shown us and being able to openly share that belief and that joy with those I love the most, THAT is right and good and will last me forever!

Photography by David Ferguson Photography Brisbane (this guy is awesome!!)

Things about me....

As most of you already know, I am a strange creature. I sometimes feel like I am a walking oxymoron... and some days I feel more like the moron than the oxy but that's for another blog. Here is a bit of a clarification of what I mean when I say that I am strange....

So its Saturday, I had plans, I was meant to be working, keeping customers happy by delivering their wonderful Mary Kay products to them. There was a stuff up somewhere with the company that gets the products from the dispatch warehouse to my door, cos after spending all day sitting next to the front door, nothing has arrived. I was looking forward to having a busy and productive day, cos I know that when I am busy I get a lot more done, even stuff that was never on my 'To-Do' list in the first place. However since I have had my plans ripped out from underneath me, I am instead spending the day surfing the internet, reading blogs, constantly checking my Facebook etc. I'm floating, I'm getting nothing done even though I know that there is stuff that I can do around the house.

This is the way I work:

• when I'm busy I'm really busy,
• I'm productive,
• stuff happens,
• plans are made and kept
• suddenly my sock drawer is organised cos I had a spare 5min and I can't sit still for that long on a busy day.

But when I don't have plans, or they get changed or I have a quiet day, I take it to the extremes:

• not even my breakfast bowl gets rinsed,
• suddenly making a cup of coffee seems like too much effort and I eventually give in to having instant coffee when the headaches set in, cos that's easier and uses up less of my internet surfing or movie watching time.

Funny thing is, I KNOW that if I simply get up off my backside and start doing something, like cleaning the kitchen I will suddenly find all these other things that need doing and eventually have a neat and tidy sock drawer again. But my plans have been ruined, so getting up is just a little too much effort.....

That is not the only part of my life that I contradict myself in either....

I like adventure stuff like white water rafting, rock climbing etc but I have no sense of adventure! Some examples,

• LOVE rock climbing and bush walking but went into a mental breakdown while climbing Mt Tibrogargan!
• Love the idea of fast cars and going for a ride on a real motorbike but riding a scooter around Magnetic Island was one of the most terrifying experiences I have ever had (stupid shaky wobbly things).
• Would try skydiving but wont even consider bungee jumping!

Other things:

• The idea of laying on a blanket in the middle of nowhere looking at the stars, or going for a walk on a moonlit beach seem so romantic and I have enjoyed indulging in said activities in the past, but I'm still kinda terrified of the dark and every little noise makes me jump out of my skin.
• I LOVE our backyard, it's a tropical paradise, its soothing and relaxing and full of spiders so when I am home alone I will not go further than the clothes line!
• I'm happy to jump head first into things without thinking them through but dont you dare ever try to push me into something! (seriously I mean I WILL attempt to kill you in your sleep)
• I love socialising and interacting with people but when it comes time to play board games, card games or even the odd game of soccer I prefer to sit off to the side and watch.
• I have no shame, I do stupid humiliating thing in public, but I HATE being publicly humiliated or made to feel the fool!

The lists goes on and on, I sometimes wonder how Phil is NOT in a constant state of confusion as I change my mind/opinion/feelings/mood about things so many times and often without logical thought or explanation (that always come about 3 weeks after said change of heart has happened) but he puts up with me, I think he does it by simply anticipating the change... I love how that man can put up with me.

For my part I dont think I have always been like this... I was always more likely to not do anything than get something done (the productivity is new for me) I used to have a much greater sense of adventure, didn't care quite so much about public humiliation (at least not to the point where it affected my life) and I used to find so much joy in kicking people's butts in card games etc. But it seems that I am changing or have changed, or that I am just having a little bit of conflict with myself.... I dont know exactly what happened but what I do know is this:

• I'd like to be less afraid of everything
• I want my sense of adventure back
• I want to get back into interacting instead of watching
• I'd like to be more productive and less lazy
• I'd like to be able to say that I am going to make these changes in myself and actually see them happen and
• I'd like to know if those people who thought they had me figured out are suddenly really confused!?!?!? :-)