Things I should've said....

Well it has certainly been a while since I last visited this site hasn't it??? So much has changed an so much has happened, however this blog has a specific purpose and I am writing it for a specific person who should've heard this a long time ago....

Just some background:
Firstly; 6 moths ago our family suffered the tragic loss of my brother-in-law Jouke, none of us have fully recovered...
Secondly; 2 weeks ago I married the man that I had been rambling about in previous blogs (more on this later)

Now that I have you somewhat filled in I can carry on....

At the reception my husband and I had decided that we would do a speech together. We had a piece of paper with a rough outline of what each of us was going to say, but as it goes, none of that really got said. For example, I forgot to thank my new family for accepting me!! However that is not the point of this blog post.

There was something that I felt I should've said in my speech, but nerves and the fear of breaking down crying held me back, but I still need to say it, I should've inserted this in the part where I was thanking my family.... more specifically when I was talking about my brothers.... You see I thanked my brother Will and my brother-in-law Brad, but when it came to mentioning Jouke, I froze, I couldn't say anything... This is what I wanted to say tho....

"When I first met Jouke, he made a big impression on me, not just because he towered over me and twice as wide across the shoulders, but because of the quiet and gentle way that he did things. Also because of how happy he made Ansia, when he was around everything that was good about Ansia shone out stronger and brighter, she was so alive around him!! I suppose you could say that at some point I had a bit of a crush on him. When he and Ansia got married I was overjoyed and he fit into our family so well, he had the right sense of humour and shared in our family values. I always said that he is very quiet, but when he has something to say you'd wanna be listening cos its either going to be really funny or really profound, meaningful and well thought through. He was a great addition to our family.
A couple of years ago I had the pleasure of living with Ansia and Jouke for about 3 months. I got to see firsthand their family routine and values. I got to see how great a father, husband, friend and brother he was. I remember on one occasion while I was there Ansia went away for a week or so. That week Jouke and I ate garlic, chili, mashed potatoes and meat till it came out of our ears. We also watched movies like Transformer (which I still haven't been able to watch again) and 300, just cos we could! I really felt then that I not only had another brother, I had a really good friend!
As another piece of background you have to also understand that Ansia and I are very similar in personality. Slowly, my time with them started teaching me some things about life, marriage and the men in my life. I watched the bond between Ansia and Jouke and longed for someone I could love that way. I started to question why all my previous relationships has gone so horribly wrong. My answer lay in the type of men I was looking for. You see, the reason Ansia and Jouke worked so well together was because their personalities complimented each other. It was then that I realised I needed to find myself another Jouke, this might sound funny but its the truth!
I needed a man with unending patience, who would listen to my multitude of complaints, who would quietly and gently put things into perspective for me, a man who could guide and lead me, someone who would never make me feel silly or stupid because I didn't understand something, someone with a ready smile who could make me laugh even when I was crying, someone who would make a great father and be a great role model, not only for his children but for everyone around him. I needed to find another Jouke!

So Ansia, I don't know if this is particularly what you wanted to hear but I thought you should know. Your husband, the one made you so happy that you glowed, the man I described above is the man that helped me to see where I was going wrong, by being to you the best husband he could be, he showed me what I needed to be looking for, the man who broke up fights between us with just one sentence.... so many things... I wanted to put all this out there so that others could know, so that we could all understand or grasp the magnitude of the love that he had for you and in return try to understand what you might be feeling or thinking, if even to the smallest degree knowing that we could ever fully comprehend it.

As I'm writing and re-reading everything I am saying and want to say sound so selfish or they sound like a cold empty cliche. I guess I just wanted to say something of how wonderful this man was, how much we are missing him and how much he impacted each and every one of us. Also, while Phil possess the qualities that I listed above I am in no way saying that he could ever be a substitute for Jouke... I hope you understand what I am trying to say in this blog as words are failing me right now... Just know that I'm sorry for not saying this sooner, I'm sorry for placing my own pain and discomfort above yours and for not being there enough for you for the past 6 to 7 months. I love you more than words can say, and am so thankful and blessed to have you as my sister.

Am I glowing??

As I mentioned in my previous blog my single streak finished when I met a wonderful man called Philip. I also promised in my previous blog that I would share a bit of our story, so here it is.....

March 2008 - As was usually my tradition I went to visit our sister church after my usual night church service finished as this is there church where all of my friends from uni go. On this particular night I noticed straight away that there was a new person at the church that I had never seen before but was not able to see him clearly. After a few minutes I noticed that this 'stranger' seemed to know a lot of people in the church and was slowly making his way in the same direction as me. As i stood chatting and giggling with one of my best friends I also noticed that he was getting along really well with her husband. It was also at this time that I got a good enough look at him, and needless to say, liked what I saw. We eventually ended up having a conversation that lasted from about 8pm through till 1am, we couldn't shut up and no one else seemed to exist for the rest of the night. I was away on prac at this time but managed to see him at church and around the place when I came back on weekend visits.

July 2008 - Seeing each other on weekends became a regular thing when my prac finished and for almost 2 months we managed to hang out almost every weekend, spending a lot of time drinking coffee after church, going for walks, hanging out in groups etc.

August 27th 2008 - A message from me asking "what is going on" finally spurred us on to make our relationship official, much to the relief of those around us who were left wondering and hoping that we would get our act together.

January 2009 - Today we are still very happy together and find great joy in sickening everyone around us by pretending to whisper sweet nothings to each other and giving each other long meaningful looks and giggles. Its all very fun.

We both enjoy coffee and cooking and music so a lot of the time that we spend together involves one or more of them. Ours is a very normal relationship in that we don't rely on romantic gestures or constant action or excitement to keep us going. In fact, for us, the best times together have just been cooking dinner together, cleaning his room together or having a simple conversation over a cup of coffee. OK over my cup of coffee cos his is always finished within the first 2 minutes!

On top of all this he keeps finding new ways to make me smile or laugh, its like he made it his mission to brighten every day. Sometimes this is through simple things like putting a pretty pattern in the crema of my coffee, giving me a shoulder rub or turning off the computer game as soon as I get there. However, every now and then, when I least expect it he will do something big and imaginative and so romantic that I can't help but grin for days afterward. For example....

A horse-drawn carriage ride through the streets of Melbourne after a trip where he met my whole family

A surprise picnic with all my favourite foods to celebrate my last day of university

Breakfast, a road trip and a picnic lunch to celebrate my birthday

Despite coming from families that speak different languages and have fairly different dynamics our core values and principles are the same. It is hard to explain but it still gets me how two different people can just work together the way that we do. I have used the term "we just clicked" before but in this case I swear the "click" was hear by everyone around us, we just fit so well together. He makes me very happy and I would like to think, I hope with a sincere heart, that I make him feel the same and that I am able to do as much for him as he has done for me.

A friend once commented that since our relationship started I have had a distinct glow, I wonder... do I still glow that way??

The wanderer returns...

Well I finally decided to check my blog again and realised that I haven't posted anything since September!! No wonder my family has given up on reading this! I have been SERIOUSLY lacking in inspiration but seeing as how it has been so long I may as well just give an update on my life.

Something that I didn't mention in my previous post was that I am now no longer single. In August Phil and I finally put everyone (and ourselves) out of their misery and dating officially. It has been a wonderful 4 months and a whirlwind of romantic gestures (more details to come) and happy evenings of blissful "domesticity" with most events centred around food, cooking and coffee!

I headed down to Kerang in lecture recess to catch up with my parents and assist my sisters in their devious plan to throw a surprise 50th birthday party for my mother. Phil was in on the plan arranging to also come down for the party claiming that it was the only time that he got off work. This way he also got to meet the entire family in one hit (and didn't run away screaming!!!). The whole (week and weekend) was a hit and I was able to my mother's eyes light up like a 5yr-old who just got a puppy!

The following weeks were a crazy rush of lectures, workshops, assignments, studying and spending far too much time with Phil! However, finally, on October 31st, at 4pm I walked out of my last ever university class having handed in my last ever university assignment! I was a wonderful feeling but exhaustion sunk in before 6pm hit and I celebrated by watching a movie! I also spent the following couple of days watching every Disney Princess movie ever made.

I worked my way to Christmas which I spent with the family in Kerang. 4 days of constant eating and quality family time. My nephew Rudi now finally knows who I am and for at least a couple of days Tiaan would give me at least one hug a day without being coerced! I spent the week following New Year in Kerang doing nothing but reading and drinking far too much plunger coffee!

That brings me to today. I have just finished 2 weeks of working almost everyday and most of them being early morning shifts, with 2 days being 8 hours (I nearly died!) which my bank account is loving me for and which is also going to help pay for a trip to Brisbane happening in 2 weeks, when and where I will finally meet Phil's family and get to spend some time seeing what his life was like before he moved to Townsville. Who knows, we might even get to hit a theme park or two and do a bit of bushwalking. Either way it should be a great couple of weeks!

That brings everyone, including myself, up to date. I have also left sufficient gaps to (hopefully) inspre a few more blogs in the foreseeable future!